Katie's Journey to Love Read online

  Mamm said nothing but her face paled.

  Mabel looked pleased. “It’s absolutely awful,” Mabel continued, “when our own young people can’t keep their heads on straight. We have been given so much that others don’t have, and then some of them go and throw it away as if it didn’t amount to anything at all. As for myself, I’m going to marry an Amish boy and settle down on a farm. We’ll raise our children close to the soil, like Da Hah meant things to be. We’ll grow our own things and stay away from places like Byler’s. Well, as much as we can, of course. Everyone has to go out into the world from time to time. But not every day.”

  “I saw Mabel speaking with a boy on Sunday out in the barn,” Carolyn said, a big smile spreading across her face.

  Katie waited for Mabel to snap at her sister. Mabel didn’t and she even continued to look pleased. Obviously Mabel thought her early conquest of a boy was something of a crowning touch.

  “Don’t you think you’re a little young for boys?” Mamm asked.

  Mabel lifted her head high. “I’ve been running the household since Mamm died. And I’m much older than my sixteen years—soon to be seventeen—as Carolyn says it. Daett always thought he was placing too much of a burden on me, but he learned to trust me. And I can make my own clothes already and run the house like a grown woman. Ruth Troyer even taught Carolyn and me how to make pecan pies.”

  Mamm’s face grew paler at the mention of Ruth and her pies.

  “I think you ought to forget about Ruth,” Katie said, speaking in her mamm’s defense. “Anyone can make pecan pies.”

  “Can you?” Mabel asked, turning with a smirk on her face to look at Katie.

  “I never have,” Katie admitted. “Although it can’t be that hard.”

  “Has your mamm ever made them?” Mabel asked, not looking at Mamm.

  Katie searched her memory for pecan pies. Surely there had been some? Mamm knew how to cook great meals. And all the Amish around here were known for their pecan pies. But Mabel was making it sound as if pecan pies were the sum total of success in the kitchen.

  “Did you ever make a pecan pie?” Mabel asked, now looking at Mamm.

  “Years ago,” Mamm said. “But I don’t think I’ve made one since Ezra passed. That was back when Katie was small.”

  Mabel didn’t say anything, but her face said volumes. There! Didn’t I know it. You are both incompetent women who are in way over your heads in this household.

  “Teacher Ruth makes great pecan pies, and Daett loves them,” Carolyn said, obviously trying to help but only making matters worse.

  What a great ending to the evening, Katie thought. Mamm is close to tears, and Mabel is gloating again.

  They finished the dishes in silence, and Mamm fled back to the living room at the first chance.

  “You’re a spoiled brat!” Katie said to Mabel, all her gut resolutions concerning Mabel flying out the window.

  “No one running around with the Mennonites gets any respect from me,” Mabel shot back.

  Katie bit her lip. Then she turned and left for her upstairs bedroom before she said anything worse.

  Chapter Seven

  Katie lay on her bed in the darkness and tried to hold back the tears. The exchange with Mabel had stung more than she expected. How in the world were the two of them supposed to live in the same house? And poor Mamm, how did she take it? Katie turned to gaze out the open window. The stars twinkled, shining brightly beyond the dark drapes. A soft knock sounded on the door, and Katie held her breath. Who could be there? Surely not Mabel. Getting up, Katie opened the door and peered out into the dark hallway.

  “It’s me,” Mamm whispered.

  Kate jumped. Then she stepped back to open the door wider. “Come in.”

  Mamm stepped inside. “I didn’t mean to frighten you. Were you already asleep?”

  “Nee.” Katie fumbled for a match, found one, and lit the kerosene lamp. She turned the wick low and sat down on the bed. Mamm was seated in the room’s lone chair.

  “I had to come up and talk with you,” Mamm said. “I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time with Mabel.”

  “Mabel’s not giving you an easy time either.”

  “But I have Jesse…” Mamm’s words hung in the air for a moment. “I wanted to let you know you have my full support. You’re still my daughter whom I love very much.”

  “Shouldn’t you be downstairs with Jesse?” Katie asked. She didn’t really wish to discuss the evening’s kafuffles right now. Going through them had been painful enough.

  “Jesse suggested I come up and speak with you.”

  “Did you tell him what Mabel said in the barn?” Katie turned to face Mamm.

  Mamm shook her head. “I wouldn’t do that. I don’t want to make trouble. Jesse just told me to come up out of the goodness of his heart. He’s a kind-hearted man, Katie.” Mamm laid her hand on Katie’s arm. “You’ve been crying, haven’t you?”

  Katie nodded.

  “I’m so sorry about Mabel, Katie. But we have to understand where she’s coming from. There are a lot of hurts in her life from the loss of her own mamm.”

  Katie said nothing for moment. This was all true, and she really should have a softer heart for the girl.

  “Have you thought more of what I said about Ben Stoll?” Mamm now probed in a different area. “I can’t get our talk out of my mind, Katie. You’re already suffering enough with Mabel without taking on more trouble.”

  “You know how I feel about Ben,” Katie said. “And it’s in Da Hah’s hands.”

  “But you can close your heart to him, Katie,” Mamm pleaded. “Ben isn’t the kind of boy you want to be in love with. You should forget him.”

  Katie sighed. “I wish it were that easy. But you should know that it’s not.”

  Mamm didn’t say anything as she stared at the flickering kerosene lamp. Finally she broke the silence. “You don’t have to walk the same road I did, Katie. I can say I didn’t know better, but you’ve been warned. Don’t do this to yourself. This boy isn’t worth wasting time on. Jesse is concerned about you too.”

  “You told him about Ben Stoll?”

  “Nee,” Mamm said. “I wouldn’t do that, even though Jesse’s your daett now.”

  “Then what did you tell him?”

  “I just asked about Ben, about what kind of boy he is.”

  “And Jesse made the connection, of course.”

  Mamm nodded, her face weary. “Maybe, but that’s not the same as telling him about you.”

  Katie sighed. “I still wish you wouldn’t have. People already have a low enough opinion about me without them knowing about my crush on Ben.”

  “Falling in love is a perfectly normal thing,” Mamm said, trying to smile. “I’m just sorry it had to happen with Ben. Do try to forget the young man, Katie.”

  Katie took a deep breath. “I don’t know about that, but hopefully there won’t be another kafuffle this week when Esther picks me up for the youth gathering. Mabel could cause quite a racket, you know.”

  Mamm looked away, her gaze mournful. “So you haven’t changed your mind after our talk?”

  “Please, Mamm,” Katie begged. “Don’t make this harder than it already is. You know I don’t want to quit going. I like my friends so much. I feel accepted there.” Katie felt she had to go. There were her friendships with Margaret and Sharon, plus she needed a place to get away from the stress at home.

  “Is dealing with Mabel pushing you away?” Mamm asked. “Did she say more after I left the kitchen?”

  Katie looked away from Mamm’s searching gaze. “Yah, she did. But it’s not just that, Mamm. It’s a lot of things. Me for one. And the friendships I have with Margaret and Sharon. It’s so wonderful having friends. I just can’t throw that away. And perhaps this is Da Hah’s open door to help get me away from my obsession with Ben.”

  Mamm had tears on her cheeks. “Please don’t say Da Hah’s behind this, Katie. It’s as much my fault as anyone
with the way I brought you up. I’m so sorry about that, but I couldn’t help myself. I was wrapped in my sorrow and couldn’t find my way out. Don’t you see what a great miracle happened with Jesse’s pursuit of me? Now that’s Da Hah’s doing. And He can do the same thing for you.”

  Katie didn’t know what to say. She wished she weren’t breaking Mamm’s heart, but she felt helpless about the matter.

  “Don’t you think you should go back downstairs?” Katie finally whispered.

  Mamm stood up. “I’m going to keep hoping and believing everything will work out. And remember that Jesse welcomes you into his home regardless of how Mabel acts.”

  Katie managed a smile as Mamm left and quietly clicked the door shut. After listening to the soft squeaks of Mamm’s footsteps on the stairs, Katie got up and walked over to the window. The stars were still twinkling, each one looking like it was trying to do its best to send out what light it had.

  “Please help me,” Katie breathed a prayer toward the heavens. “I don’t want to bring sorrow to Mamm’s heart, and yet I can’t just sit still while these opportunities are in front of me. I know that Margaret and Sharon’s friendships are from You.”

  The heavens remained silent as troubled thoughts kept rolling through Katie’s mind. Did she really know what she was doing? She was only a young woman, not even twenty yet, and here she was taking on the world her own way.

  Katie left the drapes open. She prepared for bed and climbed under the covers. The minutes slipped by, but sleep didn’t come. Nothing she did seemed to help. Her mind wouldn’t shut off. Finally she got up and closed the drapes. Perhaps that would help. Back in bed, she still tossed and turned, wide awake. She might as well get up and start breakfast. But how silly was that? It was still before midnight. Maybe a glass of milk would help.

  Katie slipped out from under the covers and swung open the bedroom door. On the stairs, the squeaks stopped her. There was no way of getting downstairs without someone hearing her. Although Mamm and Jesse’s bedroom was on the other side of the house, it was near enough to the stair door that sounds carried clearly.

  Katie retreated to her bedroom. Now what was she supposed to do? Lie here all night wishing for a glass of milk? She could run the risk of going down the stairs, but if Mamm found her in the kitchen the resulting conversation might undo any gut effects brought on by the glass of milk. Thoughts of Ben crept into her mind. What was he thinking about right now? Was he asleep or was he also lying awake? Mamm was probably right in warning her of the dangers inherent in dreaming and longing for a young man who would never be her husband. So why did this hope keep stirring inside her? Had Mamm felt something like this for Daniel? Probably not, Katie figured. The two of them weren’t as similar as what Mamm claimed they were. And Mamm hadn’t really found love until she found it with Daett, and now she was finding love with Jesse.

  Surely it could happen that way with Ben and her! Katie thought. Perhaps she could hasten that day by running around in his circles. She could enter rumspringa. But how did one “do” rumspringa when it came right down to it? She didn’t know. Did a person go to wild parties over the weekends and listen to worldly music? What kind of fun would that be? Katie shuddered at the thought. Surely that wasn’t what most of the Amish young folks did during their time of flirting with the world. Most of them probably just wore Englisha clothing on weekends and drove cars.

  Ben must be spending his time in the world doing things like that. He was too decent to do anything really wrong. He just wasn’t like that. So why shouldn’t she go out some weekend and see what rumspringa was like? Perhaps if Ben saw her in an Englisha dress, the lights would go on in his head. He would see that she no longer was just Emma Raber’s strange daughter.

  Katie imagined herself behind the wheel of a car like Esther Kuntz had. She pictured herself roaring down the road dressed up in an Englisha dress with rock music blaring from the radio. Katie kicked off the covers as heat flushed through her body. She could never do something like that. Not in a million years!

  Perhaps she couldn’t because she’d lived such a shy life for most of her years. Yet it was more than that. That kind of lifestyle just wasn’t right. Mamm had taught her that much, even if her teachings couldn’t keep her daughter away from the Mennonites. Katie could never be wild, and Ben wasn’t wild either. He couldn’t be. He was too nice. Katie forced her dark thoughts away. Da Hah would have to straighten all this out, and she had best keep her hands out of it. She couldn’t do anything about her feelings for Ben.

  Katie got out of bed and opened the drapes again. She walked back to the bed, lay down, and watched the stars until she finally fell asleep.

  Chapter Eight

  The following week, on a Wednesday night, the sun had set and supper was almost over at the Mast house. Katie kept her eyes on her plate as the chatter of conversation rose and fell around her. Mabel knew she was going somewhere tonight, but other than Jesse and Mamm, the others didn’t. Before long the headlights from Esther’s car would be bouncing into the lane as her friend arrived to pick her up for the youth gathering. They would all know something was up—especially when she stood up and left.

  Mamm sat at the supper table with a worried look on her face. When someone addressed her, she tried to smile and respond warmly. Mamm was doing a gut job of hiding her feelings, but Katie knew her well enough to see the depth of her discomfort. She groaned on the inside. Why did this have to be so hard? It wasn’t like she was committing a great sin. Yet likely in their eyes she was. Mabel certainly wouldn’t be going to a Mennonite gathering, and neither would Leroy or Willis. Jesse had trained his children better than that.

  Mamm would be left to explain the whole situation to the other children. Or perhaps Jesse would take the responsibility upon himself to relieve Mamm of the burden. And all of this would happen after she dashed out the door. She didn’t like either option. It would be better if they heard the words from her mouth. With that thought firmly in her mind, Katie glanced at Mamm, gathered her courage, and spoke. “Um, I have something I want to say.” Katie tried to keep her voice from squeaking.

  “Yah?” Jesse smiled in her direction as silence settled over the table.

  Katie dropped her eyes. Jesse wasn’t making things easy by being so nice to her. If he became angry she might at least feel justified in what she was doing. “I’m going out tonight with a Mennonite girl I work with,” Katie said. “Her name is Esther. We’re going to one of her church’s youth gatherings. I wanted to be the one to tell all of you where I’ll be.”

  Mabel looked gleeful. “I thought you were up to something tonight! Does your mamm know?”

  “Of course,” Katie said. “And so does your daett. And they don’t approve. I’m doing this on my own.”

  “You’re really going to a Mennonite youth gathering?” Leroy stared at her. “How come I’ve not heard about this?”

  “You would know things if you kept your eyes open,” Mabel snapped. “Katie has been doing these jaunts even before the wedding.”

  “Mabel,” Jesse spoke up, “you will stay out of this. We will let Katie finish what she has to say.”

  Mabel’s eyes cast daggers at Katie, but she kept her mouth shut.

  Katie tried to find her voice and wrung her hands under the table.

  “Katie made some friends from work…” Mamm began, obviously trying to help out.

  Katie stopped Mamm from speaking further with a shake of her head. “This isn’t Mamm’s doing or anyone else’s but mine. Yah, I do have some gut friends among the Mennonite youth. But I didn’t get to know them by working at Byler’s.”

  “Would one of these friends be a boy?” Leroy had a slight smile on his face.

  Mabel’s mouth opened as if she were going to say something, clearly agreeing with her brother, but Jesse stopped Mabel with a lift of his hand.

  “I don’t think this has anything to do with a boy. At least not from what I understand,” Jesse said.

&
nbsp; “It certainly doesn’t,” Katie said. “My friends’ names are Margaret and Sharon. They were at the wedding, even though you may not have met them since it was such a busy day. They’ve invited me to a youth gathering tonight. Esther, who also works at Byler’s, is picking me up in a minute.”

  “There has to be a boy somewhere,” Leroy announced. “You don’t go leaving the faith over some girlfriends.”

  Mabel smirked behind her hand.

  “Katie is not leaving the faith,” Jesse said. “If she wants to keep up these friendships, then we shouldn’t complain if she visits them once in awhile.”

  Neither Leroy nor Mabel looked convinced by their daett’s mellow words. Katie swallowed hard. Jesse was making this difficult again. But if she didn’t speak up now, it would only get harder later. “I…I may be attending the Mennonite youth gatherings quite a lot,” she managed. “I don’t mean anything against the Amish faith by that. I really don’t. And I have no plans to leave the Amish or join the Mennonite Church.”

  “They never do,” Mabel stated, her voice dripping with sarcasm. “It just happens all of a sudden. That’s how deception comes into the heart.”

  “Mabel!” Jesse said warningly.

  “I can’t believe you’re allowing this, Daett!” Mabel said. “You never would let one of us run around with the Mennonites. And now Katie’s bringing this evil right into our house.”

  With a gasp Mamm jumped up from the table and rushed into the living room. Her soft sobs could be heard on the other side of the kitchen wall as silence gripped the people at the supper table. Katie wanted to break out into sobs herself. She should have kept her mouth shut and allowed Mamm to handle this after she was gone. Now she had made the situation a hundred times worse.

  Jesse was looking at Mabel. “I’ve told you for the last time tonight to keep out of this. Do you understand?”

  “Yes.” Mabel looked quite offended. “I’m not a child, Daett. But this is terrible. We’ve never had anything like this happen in our home before.”

  Jesse said nothing as he continued looking at Mabel.