Holding a Tender Heart Read online

  But she and Joe had agreed to take her daett’s advice. Were their lives not in Da Hah’s hands? That’s what Daett said. They should trust, and she knew Daett was right.

  “You’re not accepting things,” Mamm had said this morning at the breakfast table. And Mamm was right about that. But how did one accept injustice? Hadn’t she determined to stand by Joe no matter what? And yet she’d backed down. Joe had understood. Their love would last this severe trial, he’d told her.

  Debbie told her again this morning that she felt positive about Paul’s testimony. That Paul’s word would prevail at the trial. But what if Paul’s testimony didn’t convince the jury? Paul was, after all, Joe’s close friend. That might be a hole the prosecutor would exploit. Debbie had admitted that could happen.

  If he were found guilty, Joe would go to prison for a long time. She would wait for him, but she wanted to wait with precious memories of their last days together. Not like this—with separation between them. Even on Sunday morning they were allowed only brief glances. And she hadn’t dared serve the unmarried men’s table.

  She couldn’t go on like this—she just couldn’t. Yet what else was there to do? Joe wouldn’t wish her to disobey.

  The screen door slammed again and voices came into the washroom, but Verna didn’t take her head out of her hands. She didn’t have the strength to hide this despair from Mamm any longer.

  When Ida and Mamm walked in, they both gasped. Mamm and Ida sat down at once on either side of Verna and wrapped their arms around her shoulders.

  “Verna?” Mamm’s tone was gentle. “Is it too much this morning?”

  Verna lifted her head. “Yah, but I’ll try to get over it. Maybe if you both would pray for me?”

  “Certainly,” Mamm and Ida said in unison.

  After a silent moment, Mamm prayed, “Dear Hah, comfort Verna’s heart. We don’t know what can be done to help this situation, but You do. Give Verna peace and acceptance of her situation. And help her believe that You always work out things for the best in the end.”

  When Mamm had finished, Verna whispered, “Thank you.”

  Ida squeezed her hand and added her own prayer. “O Hah, we just ask that You shed Your light. Send help for this situation with Verna and Joe. You know how wrongly they are being treated by this accusation, but there seems little anyone can do about it. Even Debbie has tried her best, and it doesn’t seem gut enough. Amen.”

  “Thanks for praying,” Verna mumbled as she sat up and wiped her tears. “I’m going to speak with Daett now.”

  Mamm sounded weary. “He’s not going to tell you anything I haven’t.”

  “I will still speak with him,” Verna repeated.

  “Hurry then.” Mamm stood. “The garden needs weeding, and we’re starting once the dew is off the ground.”

  “I’ll be right back then,” Verna said, standing to leave.

  Oh, if Daett would only give her some gut word, Verna thought. Her heart would soon have warm circles around it. But what wild imaginations did she have this morning? Did she really expect Daett to change his mind? Nee. It must be Mamm and Ida’s prayers that had lifted her spirits. And she must not think there was a miracle ahead. Miracles were for special people, and she was just an ordinary girl in love with a very wunderbah boy.

  Once past the barn, Verna ran along the back lane, the grass slapping against her bare feet.

  Daett saw her coming from a distance and pulled his team of horses to a stop. “Is something wrong at the house?” he asked as Verna came to a stop beside him.

  Verna shook her head and took a moment to catch her breath. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you, but Mamm wants to begin weeding the garden soon, and there isn’t much time.”

  “Time for what?” Daett asked as he studied her face.

  “Something has to be done about Joe and me,” Verna said. “I can’t stand being away from him any longer.”

  Daett stroked his beard. “There’s not much that can be done, Verna. Much as I hate to say it. Nothing new has come up, has it?”

  “Nee, but my heart can’t take this any longer. I’m going to drive over some evening before long, Daett. I can’t help it. None of this is right. Joe may go to jail, and if he does we can’t part like this.”

  “Yah, Joe may go to jail,” he replied. “And that’s all the more reason for you to stay away from him. Before long the hurt will heal, Verna. It always does.”

  Verna stared at him. “Are you suggesting we break up if he goes to jail, Daett?”

  Her daett looked away before he answered. “I’m satisfied with Joe, if that’s what you’re asking. But I wasn’t the one who got myself into trouble during my rumspringa years by hanging out in a disreputable place with questionable people. Joe brought that on himself. But I do believe the man has changed—and from his heart. It’s just sad he has to pay such a high price for his sins. But that can be a warning for all of us. Surely Da Hah is not mocked. What a man sows, he will reap.”

  “Daett, please don’t lecture me!”

  He nodded. “I do get carried away a bit, Verna. But what I said is true.”

  Verna studied his face. “It wasn’t your idea to keep us apart. I know that. Then whose was it?”

  Bishop Beiler didn’t answer.

  Verna dug in. “Whoever it is, I’ll go speak with him. Today even. Perhaps he’s willing to change his mind.”

  Bishop Beiler sighed. “You’re grasping at straws, Verna. It’s best that you stay out of these things.”

  Verna took her daett’s arm. “Was it Minister Kanagy? He would do something like that.”

  Bishop Beiler looked away. “Verna, you have spoken enough. These are not words for you. You are a girl. You must remember that.”

  “I am also a girl in love.” Verna’s fingers dug into her daett’s arm. “Have you forgotten that?”

  He attempted a smile. “I do hope things turn out as you wish, Verna. Joe will marry a frau well suited for him, I’m hoping, but in the meantime you must remember your place.”

  “I’m speaking with Minister Kanagy today,” she said, her eyes blazing. “This is not right.” For a moment she thought he would forbid her, but his eyes softened.

  “I suppose he can’t do much to you for saying how you feel. And perhaps it would do some gut. You never know.”

  Verna didn’t wait to hear more. She turned and ran across the field and into the lane. Mamm and Ida were headed out to the garden when she raced from behind the barn. Neither of them said anything as she joined them, and they began work with their hoes. The silence continued as they frequently stopped to pull the larger weeds by hand. Behind them Ida’s wash began to move in the morning breeze.

  “I’m going to see Minister Kanagy after we’re done here,” Verna announced as she dropped down to get the smaller weeds and crawled along on her knees in the soft dirt.

  “You’re doing what?” Mamm lifted her head to push back her kapp.

  “I’m going to see Minister Kanagy.”

  “You’re crazy, Verna!” Ida stared at her. “Have you taken complete leave of your senses?”

  Verna didn’t look at them as she pulled weeds. “He’s the one who made Daett be so hard on Joe and me.”

  “And Daett told you this?” Mamm’s voice was horrified.

  “Nee, I figured it out myself.”

  “The stress has gone to your head!” Mamm said.

  “We must pray some more!” Ida whispered.

  “Yah,” Verna agreed, “I can use all the prayers I can get to soften Minister Kanagy’s heart. You can pray that he will listen to my plea and consider how wrong it is that he’s keeping Joe and me apart from each other. Especially with the trial coming soon, and no one knowing how things will turn out.”

  “I will pray for none of those things, Verna.” Mamm’s voice was firm. “The hearts of our ministers are in Da Hah’s hands, and you should not meddle. Have I not taught you girls anything?”

  “I’m still goin
g to see Minister Kanagy, Mamm. And you can pray for my soul, if you wish.”

  “Verna, please!” Ida clutched her dress sleeve. “You must not do this.”

  “What should I do? Stay home and do nothing?” Verna retorted. “How is that right?”

  “A meek and quiet spirit will always please Da Hah,” Mamm reminded her. “That is what you must learn, Verna. I’m afraid you’re failing the test.”

  Verna bit her tongue to keep back another sharp retort. Instead she whispered, “I’m sorry if I’ve disappointed you, Mamm. But I am going to see Minister Kanagy. Daett didn’t forbid me.”

  “Now I’ve heard everything!” Mamm exclaimed and bent over the hoe to dig at the ground.

  Verna gave Mamm a quick glance before she continued her work. The argument seemed over and silence had fallen. The late-summer sun beat down on them. Lois came out with lemonade some time later, and they drank from the cool liquid without comment. Lois gave them all puzzled looks before she retreated into the house. Verna didn’t feel up to providing an explanation. Right now she was saving her words for Minister Kanagy. She would need all of them she could find.

  Thirty-Seven

  That evening after supper, the steady beat of Buttercup’s hooves on pavement filled the air as Verna drove toward Minister Kanagy’s place. Debbie was seated beside her in the buggy, saying nothing. Both of them were lost in their thoughts. Verna was wondering what she would say once they arrived, and Debbie was wondering how she’d allowed herself to get talked into going.

  A few wagons were still parked in the fields around them. The Amish farmers looked up upon hearing the horse and buggy and gave them little waves before returning to their work.

  Verna glanced over at Debbie. “I know you didn’t plan on getting involved in all this, but thanks for agreeing to come with me.”

  Debbie smiled wryly. “I don’t really mind, I guess. I just wish there wasn’t so much sorrow in it for you.”

  Verna looked away as a dark cloud rushed over her face. “Debbie, do you think Joe will really go to jail?”

  Debbie thought for a moment before she answered. “It’s a jury trial, like I said before. So who knows? I think he has a good chance of being acquitted.”

  Verna stared across the open field. “I sure hope Minister Kanagy will soften his heart. I couldn’t bear it if my last memories of Joe’s time as a free man are memories of us being apart.”

  “It sounds like you’re accepting the fact that he may go to jail.”

  Verna shrugged. “I might as well. If I pose it that way to Minister Kanagy, it might be the only thing that will change his mind.”

  Debbie looked away. “That seems a little hard-hearted for Minister Kanagy’s part, but who am I to judge?”

  “Oh, Debbie!” Verna grabbed her hand. “Please don’t allow bitterness into your heart. Daett and the other ministers have their responsibilities. They have more important things to look after than Joe and me.”

  “The sacrifice of the individual for the greater cause?” Debbie didn’t look at Verna. “I suppose it’s noble, but I’ve never seen this practiced anywhere else but in textbooks. Modern American life has pretty much lost that quality. Well, don’t worry about me, Verna. I’m learning. From you. From the others. It’s painful and a little hard to follow at times, but I’m still with you.”

  Verna managed a weak laugh. “Debbie, I’m glad you’re with me, but when we get there, I’d rather speak with Minister Kanagy and his frau alone.”

  Debbie nodded. “I’ll stay with Buttercup. I’m here to support you, Verna. And you’ll tell me all about it anyway. At least what you can.”

  “You’re such a dear!” Verna slapped the reins and urged Buttercup on. “I’ll never be able to pay you back.”

  “There is a way you can repay me,” Debbie said, her voice low.

  Verna’s head turned sharply in her direction. “What is it?”

  Debbie gave a little laugh. “It’s about Alvin Knepp. I wouldn’t mind a little attention from him instead of Paul Wagler.”

  “It didn’t help that you went out to dinner with Paul.” Verna paused. “Oh, but you did that for me. Sorry.”

  “You see, it does get complicated.”

  “Yah.” Verna slowed down as they approached an intersection.

  “What would you do about Alvin?”

  Verna gave Debbie a long look. “I don’t see why Alvin wouldn’t jump at the chance to have your attention. I guess you just need to give him some time.”

  Debbie winced. “I’m afraid he’s insecure.”

  Verna shook the reins. “He probably is. He doesn’t come up to Paul’s standards, that’s for sure.”

  “See, that’s what I mean. Nobody but me sees any value in the man.”

  “Mildred Schrock used to.”

  Debbie groaned. “Great, that’s just what I need—competition. Who is she?”

  “It’s a long story. Didn’t Lois mention her to you?”

  “She did, but she didn’t offer any details. Surely it’s not more tragedy?”

  “Nee, they were school sweethearts—though they never really dated. Mildred hasn’t shown Alvin any attention since their schooldays. It kind of broke his heart, I think.”

  Debbie sighed. “Maybe I can help fix it then since apparently no other girl’s willing.”

  “You can try, I guess,” Verna said. “And I’ll help out if I can.” Verna’s heart quickened as Minister Kanagy’s place came into view ahead of them. “We’re almost there,” she whispered. “Now I’ve forgotten what to say.”

  Debbie’s voice was firm. “You’re going to march in there and state your case. That’s what you’re going to do.”

  Verna groaned. “That’s easy for you to say. You’re an Englisha girl. I’m Amish at heart and used to submitting.”

  Debbie touched Verna’s arm. “You’ll be okay. Just think about Joe and say your piece kindly.”

  Verna turned into the driveway and pulled to a stop at the end of the walk. “I’m getting off here.” She handed Debbie the lines. “You can wait by the fence or at the hitching post.”

  “I’ll take the hitching post. It’s closer to the house—in case I have to come carry you out.”

  “That’s not funny!” Verna said, as she climbed down, but she was smiling a bit. At least someone saw humor in this situation.

  Verna took a deep breath and knocked on the door. Minister Kanagy answered, one hand stuck in a pants pocket. A toothpick hung from the side of his mouth. Obviously he’d just finished supper. Perhaps he would be in a nice mood.

  The words came out of Verna’s mouth in a squeak. “Gut evening. May I speak a few words with you? And Barbara, of course.”

  He didn’t say anything but swung the door open. The toothpick fell to the floor. His foot shoved it under the rug. Verna stepped inside, and Barbara bustled out of the kitchen wiping her hands on her apron.

  “Well, well, Verna! What a pleasant surprise. Did I see someone else in your buggy?”

  “Yah, that’s Debbie. But I wanted her to wait for me with the buggy.”

  “Of course. We understand,” Barbara said. She gave Minister Kanagy a quick glance and he shrugged. “Do come in and sit down, Verna,” Barbara continued. “Can I get you something? Apple cider perhaps? The girls can get some from the basement right quick.”

  Two young faces peered at Verna from the kitchen opening. She waved at them before she answered. “I’ve just had supper. And I won’t take too much of your time. But thank you for the offer.”

  “Then we can sit right here.” Barbara plopped herself on the rocker. “My, it seems like I’ve been on my feet all day. A body hardly gets to rest with a houseful of children. There’s this to do and that emergency. But, of course, you know…”

  Minister Kanagy cleared his throat and interrupted his frau’s chatter. “Has something happened, Verna?”

  Verna glanced at him before looking at the floor. “Nee, Minister Kanagy. I’ve come to
make a plea for Joe and myself. I believe it’s because of your counsel that Joe and I can’t see each other. I wanted to see if I could convince you to allow us to visit. I love Joe, and I really need to see him.”

  Minister Kanagy didn’t look happy. “Does your Daett blame me for Joe’s situation?”

  Verna sat up straight. “Of course not! Daett would do no such thing. I took this upon myself. I thought perhaps if you could be persuaded, Daett would also change his mind.”

  Minister Kanagy gave a little laugh. “I think you expect too much, Verna. Your daett is the bishop.”

  He looked pleased though, Verna thought, so she must be on the right track.

  “We’re all very blessed with your daett’s leadership,” Barbara spoke up. “He is a gut man.”

  “Yah, he is. Yet sometimes he can be persuaded by other counsel. That’s why I’m here asking if you would perhaps speak with Daett on whether Joe and I could be given some time together. If Joe goes to jail I may not see him for a very long time.” Verna felt tears forming in her eyes.

  Minister Kanagy’s face clouded over. “Do you have information that we do not know?”

  “Nee.” She tried to keep the tremble from her voice. “It’s only what I fear. And my heart yearns to speak with Joe before this should happen. To comfort myself and him, I hope. Would you reconsider…perhaps?”

  Minister Kanagy’s face was still clouded. “This trial will bring great shame on the community, Verna. From what I hear, Joe is having Paul Wagler testify on his behalf. And he will speak of the time they lived in sin. Right out in public for all to hear. These things go down in the records, Verna. The Englisha write them all down. And the shame does not go away for years to come.”

  “I know,” Verna managed. “But doesn’t Joe have a right to defend himself from something he didn’t do? If Paul doesn’t testify, Joe would be jailed unfairly. Paul is Joe’s only hope.”

  Minister Kanagy’s face reddened. He stood and paced the floor. “No man has a right to sin and then excuse himself, Verna. This is what I’m ashamed of more than anything else. That one of our members is so willing to throw off his cross and seek the easy way out. Our Savior was willing to bear the painful stripes on His back for our sins. Why should we not be willing to bear the punishment for what we have done? This is a great evil that has crept in unawares, and your daett is right in not giving in to your pleas.”