Until I Love Again Read online

  Ernest choked and tried to speak, but the words stuck.

  Deacon Herman laughed. “I see you’re overcome with the weight and depth of my wisdom. At least that’s a goot sign, I think.”

  “I…I…this is such a great shame,” Ernest managed. “I cannot see—”

  “Save your words for later,” Deacon Herman interrupted. “You might need them. Shall we talk about whom you should visit this morning?” When Ernest didn’t answer, Deacon Herman continued. “So let’s see—there are the widows Laura and Hannah. They would both be busy this morning, but I suppose they’d have time for a few moments with you, or—”

  “I can make up my own mind,” Ernest snapped. He drew himself erect. “I was quite able to woo Naomi, I’ll remind you. Has everyone forgotten that I was once married and fathered two children? They are both goot and decent little girls.”

  “They are four and three years old,” Deacon Herman said with a straight face. “I’d say you have a ways to go before you can crow about your daughters as decent church members. There’s still their rumspringa ahead, you know.”

  “My girls will not jump the fence into the Englisha world or even think about it.” Ernest glared. “I will see to that.”

  “I hope you’re right,” Deacon Herman said. “But we all fail sometimes. You thought you wouldn’t fail with Susanna. Why else would you have taken such wild risks? But I heard you never achieved an engagement with Susanna…that she never did agree to marry you. Is this not true?”

  Ernest stared off into the distance. This conversation had gone on long enough, and he dared not say anything more that he’d regret.

  “Maybe I can help with your next marriage proposal,” Deacon Herman offered. “I don’t mean that as an insult. I’m here to help whenever a member needs aid.”

  Ernest turned to go. “Thanks,” he muttered. “But I’d best be going.”

  Without a backward glance, Ernest untied Gambit and climbed back in his buggy. He was off with a shake of the lines.

  “The best to you,” Deacon Herman shouted after him.

  Ernest nodded, but he didn’t look in Deacon Herman’s direction. His humiliation had been enough for one morning, and Deacon Herman knew it. He wouldn’t live this down for an awful long time—unless he took drastic steps. For one thing, he was not about to visit either of the widows. Desperate as either of them might be for a husband, their noses would be high in the air at the moment and not likely to come down anytime soon. Deacon Herman should know that. No, he wouldn’t visit either of them, or accept Deacon Herman’s offer of help. He could imagine how that conversation would go.

  “Ernest is still in goot standing with the church,” Deacon Herman would inform either of the two women. “You can have confidence that the community will soon forget how he has behaved himself recently. So trust me when I say that Ernest will make a decent husband—if you choose to wed him.”

  No, he would not take that route. That was one final humiliation he would not subject himself to.

  Ernest shook the reins and turned east. He had made up his mind. The situation had become desperate, and he didn’t care whom he married. With Susanna gone it didn’t matter. He would forget Susanna. He would forget how close he had come to a marriage with her. He wanted this nightmare to end. He wanted no more risk, and only one woman in the community carried no risk.

  Emma Yutzy. Ernest groaned. Yah, that would be the final humiliation, but at least the woman loved him. That would comfort a man’s soul, and he needed his soul comforted. And Emma would care for Lizzie and Martha. Not the way Susanna would have, but goot enough. The two girls would have a mamm, and he would have a frau in the house.

  Ernest set his beard straight forward and shook the reins. Gambit increased the pace, and ten minutes later they were at Emma’s driveway. Ernest turned in, and the buggy bounced as one wheel hit the ditch, but he didn’t notice. His gaze was fixed on the front porch, where the swing moved slowly in the morning breeze. Someone had been there moments before. Likely Emma. Had she anticipated his visit?

  That wasn’t possible, Ernest told himself. He had only decided to come here moments before, and Deacon Herman had mentioned nothing about Emma this morning. Or did Deacon Herman pull some trick on him when he had neglected to mention Emma? Ernest sighed and pulled up to the barn, where he climbed out to tie Gambit. He had been outfoxed to the last, it appeared. But what did it matter? He had best eat his humble pie and get it over with.

  With slow steps he approached the front door and knocked. Thankfully Emma didn’t answer. He didn’t want to see her at the moment.

  Emma’s mamm, Sarah, greeted him. “Goot morning.” Her head tilted sideways as if to question his arrival.

  “Ah, could I, perhaps if it was convenient this morning, see Emma?” Ernest stammered.

  Sarah’s face brightened. “Of course. So that’s why Emma went up the stairs in such haste. I thought something had frightened her, but she must have been expecting you.”

  “I…” Ernest began, but gave up. Sarah wouldn’t believe him anyway. “Yah,” he said. “She probably was.”

  Sarah turned almost giddy. “Do you want to wait in the living room or out on the swing?”

  “The swing is fine,” Ernest said.

  Sarah held the front door open for a few moments longer as if she couldn’t believe he was actually there. “I didn’t know you had an arrangement with Emma,” she called after him.

  I didn’t, Ernest almost said. He forced a smile instead, and the front door swung slowly on its hinges. Sarah had vanished.

  The moments ticked past as Ernest waited. He pushed the swing with one foot, and the chains creaked in protest. He would not take this much longer, he told himself. Emma had better appear soon. Ten minutes later he was still there when Emma appeared in a Sunday dress.

  “Shall I?” Emma motioned toward the swing. “Or would you rather walk in the yard?”

  “Sit,” Ernest muttered. “Did you know I was coming?” He glared at her.

  Emma sat down and smoothed her dress. “I’m not sure how to answer that, Ernest. I had prayed earnestly for some time now, about…” She paused. “I prayed about what my heart desired, and I’ve spoken with others about this matter and sought counsel. I’ve laid out my heart in the Lord’s presence. I’ve asked that all would turn out as the Lord willed.” Emma lowered her head. “Forgive my boldness, but I had hoped this moment would come, but I did not know for sure that it would. How is one to know for sure what the Lord decides?” She raised her head. “But I am overjoyed that you’re here.”

  Ernest shifted on the swing, and the chains groaned above them.

  “I can get you something to eat.” Emma glanced at him. “It’s almost lunchtime.”

  Ernest took the leap. “Maybe I will stay for lunch.”

  A hint of a smile crept across Emma’s face. “We can talk perhaps afterward?”

  Ernest studied her face for a few moments before he reached over to take one of Emma’s hands in his. She took a sharp breath, but didn’t pull her hand back.

  “Emma,” he began.

  “Yah.” Her voice was steady.

  “There isn’t much time,” he said, “or I would make this more proper and all, but would you be my frau? Would you say the wedding vows with me this fall? See, Lizzie and Martha need a mamm, and I need a frau in the house. I know that Susanna—”

  “I will, Ernest,” Emma interrupted. “The answer is yah, a thousand times yah. You don’t know how I’ve prayed and longed for this day. On my knees I have wept before the Lord with my desire to mother your children, and to…” Emma looked away. “To love you, Ernest. I gladly accept your offer.”

  “Then we have much to speak about after lunch.” Ernest settled back in the swing without letting go of Emma’s hand. Slowly they swung in the breeze. “Did you speak with Deacon Herman?” Ernest finally asked.

  Emma didn’t even blush. “Was his recommendation for me?” A big smile filled her fac
e. “He’s a goot man, that deacon is.”

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  The late spring twilight was still hanging heavy on the horizon when Joey arrived at home.

  His mother greeted him. “You’re home early.”

  Joey chuckled. “For a Saturday night, I suppose so.”

  “Were you with Susanna?” his mother asked.

  “No.” Joey sighed and sat down on the couch. “I’m taking things slow.”

  “Is she doing okay over at the Osseos’?” Joey’s father asked, setting aside his folder of papers. “We haven’t seen her around here lately.”

  Joey grimaced. “Susanna hasn’t asked to come, and I haven’t pushed the point. Like I said, I’m going slowly.”

  “But if you like the girl,” Langford insisted, “there’s no sense in waiting around.”

  “I don’t want to lose her,” Joey said. “That’s for sure.”

  “I don’t think that’s going to happen,” Langford declared, picking up his folder again.

  “She’s a wonderful girl,” Beatrice added.

  “That she is,” Joey said, staring at the ceiling.

  “Well, there’s plenty of time,” Beatrice continued. “You still have law school to finish.”

  “What if I don’t want plenty of time?” Joey replied. “Maybe I want to marry the girl now?”

  His parents glanced at each other.

  “I thought you were moving slowly,” Langford said.

  “That’s because of her, not me. I don’t think she should be rushed. But if it were up to me, we’d be off on our honeymoon by summer.”

  “Well,” Beatrice said, “in that case, ask her. Wives have gone along to law school before. It’s difficult but doable.”

  “You should be telling all this to Susanna, not us,” Langford said.

  Joey turned to his mother. “So what would you do, Mom? Or more to the point, what would you want done if you were in Susanna’s shoes?”

  Beatrice thought for a moment. “I think the girl likes you, but she’s afraid. What to do in that case? Well, tenderness and gentleness are always in order. Her heart has been bruised by what happened between her and her father, and that strange marriage attempt you told us about. She does come from another world, but underneath all that Susanna is not unlike most other women. I’d say I wouldn’t mind a declaration of intentions, but without pressure.”

  “Like the four years I waited for you,” Langford got in edgewise.

  Beatrice gave him a smile. “I was worth the wait, wasn’t I?”

  “Did she really make you wait four years, Dad?” Joey asked.

  Langford chuckled and busied himself with his file folder.

  “Don’t mind your father, Joey,” Beatrice said. “I fell into his hand like a ripe fruit.”

  Joey joined in his parents’ laughter. “Sometimes I can’t believe I snuck a cell phone into an Amish home.”

  “You are a very naughty boy,” Beatrice chided. “No wonder the girl’s in love with you.”

  “You want to tell us the story?” Langford asked.

  “There’s not much to it,” Joey told him. “Cell phones are a big taboo with the Amish, and I just left one under a tree for Susanna to pick up.”

  Langford whistled. “Real cloak-and-dagger stuff.”

  “Let’s just say there has been intrigue,” Joey said. “And I’ve even faced down bearded Amish men.”

  “With all that effort, I’m sure things will work out,” Beatrice said.

  Langford nodded. “I think you’ve set your heart on this girl, and there’s little that can stop you now.”

  Joey grinned and headed to his room. All he knew was that he wanted to see Susanna tonight, and he wanted to ask her if she would marry him. He wanted to see her beautiful face light up with hope and love. He wanted to hear her say, I love you, Joey.

  Joey paced his room until he noticed the full moon. It rose over the horizon outside of his bedroom window, and he stopped and stared. The full globe seemed to inch upward. Joey pulled himself away, deciding he would see Susanna tonight. Her duties would soon be over for the day, even with a full slate of guests. Rosalyn wouldn’t mind the intrusion at this hour unless Susanna had already retired. If she had, he would leave again without Susanna’s knowledge. More than likely, though, Susanna would still be up, stirred by the same moon he had seen and conflicted with the same emotions.

  Joey hurried outside. He tossed an “I’ll be back soon” over his shoulder at his parents.

  He drove rapidly toward Canton. Most of the lights on Main Street were in his favor, and he ran through the last one just after it turned yellow. With a nervous glance around, he again saw the full glory of the moon. He dimmed his headlights on the empty road and sped on.

  Moments later he turned into the Osseos’ lane to park in the only available parking space. Vehicles were everywhere, and the low voices of Rosalyn’s guests came from the shadowed pond behind the small line of poplar trees. Everyone apparently was still awake, but so much the better. Susanna would be astir, and if the pond was the center of attention, Susanna might agree to a walk by the water’s edge. They could meander to the other side on the footpath circling the pond.

  Joey walked slowly up to the office area, where Rosalyn looked up in surprise from her desk. “I was just finishing the bookkeeping for the night. We are full to the hilt as usual.” She gave him a pensive look. “But why are you here?”

  “To see Susanna, of course.” Joey glanced around, but she was nowhere to be seen.

  Rosalyn studied him for a moment before her gaze drifted toward Susanna’s room in the back of the house. “I’ll tell her you’re here.” Rosalyn disappeared down the hallway and came back moments later to say, “She’ll be right out.”

  Joey shifted from foot to foot until Susanna appeared.

  “Hi,” he greeted her. “Sorry for the interruption at this time of the night, but the moon is full, and it’s lovely. Want to go for a walk around the pond?”

  “You came over for that?” Susanna asked.

  “I came over to see you,” Joey said.

  Susanna hesitated only a moment. “Sure, let’s go.” She took Joey’s arm, and he led the way outside.

  He glanced back to Rosalyn, who gave him an encouraging wink. She must have figured out his intention—Just like a woman, he thought. Well, it was good to have one person on his side.

  “It’s beautiful out here,” Susanna said as they came to a stop beyond the first of the poplars lining the pond.

  Their view was unobstructed across the pond and toward the horizon beyond. Faint forms of guests were outlined on lawn chairs near the water’s edge and on blankets spread out on the ground.

  Joey took her hand and slowly led the way around the pond on the east side.

  “We’ve been busy today. All the cottages and rooms are full,” Susanna said, as if the information were extremely urgent.

  “I’m sure Rosalyn’s grateful she has you to help,” Joey said. His palms were beginning to sweat.

  They were both silent for a while, and then Susanna asked, “How are your parents? I haven’t seen them for days.”

  Joey chuckled. “Oh, my mom is as feisty as always. I had a nice talk with them tonight about my future…and law school.”

  Susanna’s hand tightened in his. “Will you visit home often? I mean, after you leave.”

  “When I can, I suppose,” he allowed. “Law school is pretty intense.”

  Susanna looked up at him with a sad smile. “You’ll come home all smart and be a real-life lawyer. That will make the sacrifice worth it, I suppose. Nothing good comes without pain, they say. I mean, look at what I’ve had to face in the last months.”

  “Has it been worth it?” Joey gently pulled on her hand and they came to a stop near the far side of the pond.

  Susanna smiled. “Yah, every moment of it. Part of it was finding you, Joey. It’s been one of the best parts. You’ve been a goot friend.”

&nbs
p; Her long hair shimmered in the moonlight, and the shadows deepened beneath her eyes. Joey reached up to touch her face, and Susanna didn’t flinch.

  He stood motionless. Did he dare? Susanna didn’t seem to object to his closeness, but perhaps she had never been kissed before. She nestled against him, but said nothing.

  Susanna was too tender in his arms, too injured, too trusting—too something. He couldn’t put his finger on what. He simply held her.

  “You are an angel,” she finally said.

  “I’m not,” he objected.

  She laughed. “We could go around this point all night.”

  “Then I’m an angel,” he agreed.

  They stood there until Joey tugged on her hand and led the way back around the other side of the pond. Susanna followed close beside him, matching her step to his.

  He would claim this woman someday as his wife. Joey promised himself. He would accomplish what that Amish man couldn’t do. He was just sorry it wouldn’t be tonight.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  A month later, Susanna stepped out of the car and waved as Rosalyn drove out of the Millers’ driveway. Stillness settled over the barnyard, broken only by the soft bellows of the cows as they made their way from the barn to the pasture.

  Susanna straightened her kapp and headed for the front door. As she entered, she heard the rise and fall of soft voices from the kitchen as the family ate breakfast. Her arrival must have been noted, but these regular visits of hers had become fully engrained in the Millers’ routine and needed no special attention. She was part of the family again—in a limited way.