Until I Love Again Read online

  “She’s thinking about Ernest Helmuth,” James teased. “I saw him here today, speaking with Daett for much longer than necessary. The poor man must have greatly desired a glimpse of Susanna on the porch.”

  “Oh, stop it,” Susanna ordered. “Must the whole community know about this?”

  James chuckled.

  “I think we should speak of something more decent,” Henry said.

  “Thank you.” Susanna gave him a grateful smile. “Glad someone has goot sense among the males of this household. I—”

  Daett cleared his throat, and Susanna stopped in midsentence. “The love between a man and a woman is not a matter of shame,” Daett lectured. “That goes for you, James, as well as Susanna. We can tease each other, but let’s not forget that the Lord made Adam and Eve and placed them on this earth to multiply and replenish the land. This is a sacred task, and we must take our duty with soberness and prayerfulness before the Lord.”

  “Amen,” Mamm added.

  There was heat rising up Susanna’s neck again. Odd, how this subject never came up at the Macalister home. Such plain talk had little place among the sounds of beautiful piano music and regular family chitchat.

  “See, she’s all red-faced,” James teased. “We have a wedding coming up this fall if I don’t miss my guess.”

  “Mind your own business,” Susanna retorted, as all four boys chuckled at her embarrassment.

  Daett’s grin faded and he appeared ready to continue his lecture, but instead he said, “Let’s have dessert, please.”

  Mamm bounced up before Susanna could move, and brought over cherry pies and a pitcher of milk. Mamm stopped with a flourish. “Something a little special for Susanna’s birthday today. It’s not much, but we all know how Susanna likes cherry pie.”

  “So do I,” Tobias said as he eyed the lightly browned pies. “But we could use some ice cream on top.”

  James cut himself a large piece and glanced at his brother. “You do have fancy tastes tonight, but this is goot enough for me. Nothing matches Mamm’s cherry pies, even without ice cream.”

  “Thank you, James,” Mamm said, smiling. “But remember not to praise your mother’s pies once you’re married.”

  Daett appeared amused. “You can say that again.”

  “Now, I wasn’t talking about you.” Mamm reached over to pat his arm. “Boys, your daett has been more than kind when it comes to comparisons with his mother.”

  “That’s because you’re so goot at cooking,” Daett said. “Cherry pies especially.”

  Mamm beamed with happiness. “See, that’s how it’s done, boys. Look and learn from your daett.”

  “I’m looking,” Henry said. “I just haven’t seen the young girl that’s right for me.”

  Laughter spread around the table, and Susanna joined in. “She’ll come in due time,” Susanna comforted Henry. “You’re still pretty young, you know.”

  “Yah, but old enough to look around,” Henry shot back. “And I do have cause to worry. Look at how Sarah Beth swoons every time James comes around. I can’t even get a smile from a girl with James right there to grab all the attention. And he’s younger than me!”

  Daett spoke up. “That’s enough, boys. We accept what the Lord gives, Henry. Keep your hopes up, son, and the right girl will be along. That’s the way it works when we walk in the will of the Lord.”

  “You’re such a dear, Ralph,” Mamm cooed. “You have such sound advice to give all of our children.”

  Susanna smiled as James and Henry hid behind their spoonfuls of cherry pie. She appreciated Mamm and Daett’s affection for each other, even if it embarrassed her brothers. She wanted to be like them when she married.

  An image of Ernest Helmuth’s bearded face appeared in Susanna’s mind, and she lowered her head. Ernest wasn’t exactly what she envisioned as husband material.

  Thankfully Daett soon called for the closing prayer of thanks, and Susanna followed the boys into the living room where Daett had his Bible open. She found a seat on the couch, and he began to read.

  “ ‘The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.’ ” Daett’s deep voice filled the living room.

  Why had Daett chosen this familiar Scripture tonight? Susanna wondered. Did he seek comfort for himself, or was this to encourage her to face the truth no matter where the road led?

  “ ‘I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.’ ” Daett concluded the psalm and closed the Bible. He looked around the room and took them all in one by one until even James squirmed on his chair. Finally Daett spoke. “Mamm and I would like to have time alone with our daughter this evening, so Tobias and Noah, would you boys please go upstairs to your rooms? James and Henry can start the work in the kitchen.”

  After the boys all left silently, casting a mournful glance at Susanna, Daett started right in by asking, “Do you have something you’d like to tell us, Susanna?”

  Mamm had obviously not been let in on what was going on, as she looked at Daett and asked, “What do you mean, Ralph? What’s this all about?”

  “I think we should let Susanna tell us,” Daett said. “It would be best that way.”

  Susanna took a deep breath. “Do you mean the happy birthday sign?”

  “Yah, of course.” Daett leaned forward.

  “A happy birthday sign?” Mamm interrupted.

  Daett held his hand up and Mamm fell silent.

  “It’s…” Susanna began. “It’s some friends that I know. They didn’t tell me they would do this, or I would have objected…”

  “In the middle of town where anyone can see it.” Daett’s voice was more statement than question. “Those must be some friends.”

  “She’s…” Mamm tried again.

  Daett turned to her. “Susanna’s name is on a well-lit sign at the seed and feed store in DeKalb. The sign says, in big letters: Happy Birthday, Susanna Miller. The whole community will know by morning, and we will have much explaining to do. I’d at least like some answers before Deacon Herman calls.”

  “Susanna!” Mamm exclaimed. “How did this happen?”

  Susanna swallowed but found no words.

  Daett’s voice cut through her fogged brain. “You can begin anytime.”

  “I…” Susanna began. “I didn’t know this would happen, I really didn’t, but Joey must have told his cousin Marisa about my birthday, and her parents own the seed and feed store.”

  “You know this Joey well enough that he would put up your name without asking you?” Daett had leaned forward again.

  Susanna looked at the floor. “I suppose so,” she allowed.

  “We had best stop beating around the bush, Susanna.” Daett’s voice was stern. “Did you meet this Joey at the parties in Heuvelton?”

  Susanna nodded, but this wouldn’t satisfy, so she added, “I met him there, but then I also went to his house.”

  “Each weekend after the parties?” Mamm asked in horror.

  “I don’t go to the parties anymore.” Susanna lifted her head to meet their gazes. “There. Now you know. Joey’s my friend—and that’s all.”

  Moments later Daett reached over to touch the cover on the Bible, but he said nothing. Mamm was likewise silent.

  “And they taught me to play the piano,” Susanna blurted out.

  Daett’s face paled. She had expected this result, but the sight still shocked her. Daett and Mamm had no idea what beautiful piano music sounded like, and she wasn’t about to explain. She had already said too much.

  “Do you love this man?” Daett finally asked.

  Mamm gasped at the question, obviously fearing the answer.

  “He’s my friend,” Susanna answered. “That’s all.”

  “Is this why you’ve been hesitating about the baptismal classes this spring?” Daett asked.

  “Yah, I guess,” Susanna acknowledged.

  “You surely know the depth of my shock and sorrow,” Daett said. “This is not what rumspringa is for. I told you this when the Troye
r sisters jumped the fence a year ago. You are not to form attachments with Englisha people. This will trouble you when it’s time to come back. I trusted you, Susanna, enough to give you the freedom I thought you needed. Perhaps I was wrong.”

  “I didn’t intend things to turn out this way,” Susanna said. “It just happened. I wish you could understand.”

  Daett’s hands trembled. “We had best speak no more about this matter tonight. I’ll talk with Deacon Herman if he inquires about this, and ask for patience as we pray for the Lord to help us through this difficult time. But you must seek the Lord’s will on your feelings for this boy, Susanna. None of our people marry outside the faith. Surely you know this.”

  “I do,” Susanna told him. “And I’m sorry. But, as I said, Joey’s just a friend.”

  “Friend or not, he’s Englisha and he’s a young man. That can only mean trouble eventually.”

  Susanna hung her head as Mamm remained silent.

  Daett began again. “We will consider this matter settled for now. From now on, you will drive into town with Henry on Saturday nights.” Daett tried to smile. “I should have insisted on this for some time, but we thought to make an exception in your case.”

  Now what did that mean? Likely Daett had been his usual considerate and decent self—and was disappointed to find out that Susanna’s rumspringa had gone off course. The time had come for rules and restrictions, and she had no one to blame but herself. She ought to promise she would return Ernest Helmuth’s attentions at the next Sunday services, but her stomach turned at the thought. Instead, Joey’s face floated in her mind, and the tears stung. What a mess she had gotten herself into. Susanna rose to her feet and beat a hasty retreat up the stairs.

  Chapter Three

  As Susanna fidgeted with the pins on her dress, the late Saturday evening sunlight streamed through the bedroom window and spilled on the hardwood floor at her feet. She studied the beam and moved her bare foot into the light. Should she obey Daett’s orders tonight? She drew her foot back and sighed. James had already left, and Henry was waiting in his buggy. She really didn’t have much choice, but perhaps later in the evening she could slip away or find some other way to meet Joey. Maybe Henry could be talked into cooperating. They could drive past Joey’s house on their way to Heuvelton, and then she could run inside for a moment and explain to him why she couldn’t see him. And if no one was home, she could at least leave a note on the door.

  But of course Henry wouldn’t stop so she could see Joey. Henry was solid as a rock and would not let her out of his sight all evening. That was why Daett had assigned her to Henry’s care, but she just had to see Joey tonight. She had to explain her absence.

  “Susanna!” Mamm’s voice called up the stairs. “Henry’s waiting.”

  Susanna plunged in the last pin and stifled a shriek when the end pricked her finger. How clumsy she had become. Only ten-year-old girls stuck their fingers when they dressed themselves. This only added to the shame she had felt all week as Mamm hovered over her.

  “Did Joey stop by your work today?” Mamm asked each evening after Susanna came home from the DeKalb Building Supply.

  In a way, she was glad Joey hadn’t stopped by. Mamm’s anxiety would only have increased. But the downside was that she missed Joey. At least Mamm and Daett didn’t know that. She had half-expected Daett to demand that she quit her job this week, but he hadn’t.

  “Susanna!” Mamm called again. “You can’t keep Henry waiting.”

  “Coming,” Susanna called out, grabbing her shoes. She dashed out the bedroom door barefoot taking the stairs two at a time.

  “Do be careful!” Mamm chided at the bottom of the stairwell.

  “Yah, Mamm.” Susanna stopped so Mamm could inspect her dress.

  “Go.” Mamm motioned toward the front door. “You look decent enough. And be sure to stay with Henry. Daett has told him to watch over you.”

  Susanna suppressed a protest and ran for the door. The screen door slammed behind her. The sound was rebellious, like how she felt inside. All week she had acted humble and submissive in front of Mamm. What a bundle of contradictions she had become, so unlike her former self. What was wrong with her? Why couldn’t she be stable like her brothers? She had taken chances in her rumspringa time that none of them had.

  As she approached, Henry leaned out of the buggy and grumbled, “I’m not like a boyfriend that you can keep waiting.”

  “Sorry,” Susanna muttered. She climbed in and shoved her shoes under the buggy seat.

  Henry shook the reins and called out, “Getup, Ranger.” When the horse had settled into a steady trot, he gave Susanna a sharp sideways glance. “You can put those shoes on now. I’m not arriving at the gathering with a sister in her bare feet.”

  “In a moment,” Susanna said. “I have a question first. What’s different about me, Henry? Sometimes I feel so rebellious, and none of you boys are like that.”

  Henry smiled. “Don’t worry. It’s just a rough spot, I suppose. You’ll settle down now that Ernest is making eyes at you. I saw you give him at least one smile at the service last Sunday. That’s goot. I hope you gave him lots more that I didn’t see.”

  “You just imagined that,” Susanna protested. “If I remember right, I didn’t look at him all day.”

  “Oh? There’s not another widower you’re making eyes at, is there?” Henry said with a grin.

  Susanna made a face at him.

  Henry laughed. “Ernest is a goot catch, you know. And those little girls of his, they are cuter than buttons.”

  “You’ve noticed his girls?” Susanna asked.

  Henry snorted. “Yah, of course! They sit on Ernest’s lap each Sunday. Naturally I’m interested in the man my sister will marry and the daughters that will become my nieces.”

  “You’re such a dear, brother,” Susanna teased, reaching over to slap Henry’s arm.

  “Hey,” he protested.

  “Sorry.” Susanna gave him a sweet smile. “Like I said, I’m still feeling a little rebellious.”

  Henry sighed. “You’ll come to love Ernest soon enough.” He jerked his head with all confidence and pulled Ranger to stop for the turn onto Highway 17.

  “I’m not so sure about that,” Susanna muttered under her breath. She reached under the buggy seat for her shoes and put them on while Henry drove toward Heuvelton.

  “That’s better,” Henry said once she was finished. “Now we’re ready to face the big wide world this evening.”

  “What if Joey looks for me tonight?” Susanna asked. “I mean, he could. He knows where the Amish youth hang out.”

  Henry’s face clouded over. “You’ll tell him you’re spoken for, and that’s that.”

  “But I’m not spoken for. And I like Joey…as a friend,” Susanna said.

  Henry gave Susanna a stern look. “That’s not the way to talk, and you know that.”

  “Sorry, I can’t help it,” Susanna said. “It’s my rebel nature. I have all these desires inside me for forbidden things. How come you don’t? How come you were able to leave your rumspringa time behind so quickly?”

  Henry’s voice was steady. “It was easy. There’s nothing out there in the Englisha world for us, Susanna.” He waved his empty hand toward the approaching city lights. “That’s what rumspringa is for. We’re to settle the matter in our hearts.”

  “Then why is it not settled in mine?” Susanna glared toward the town. “You know I’ve tried.”

  “Yah, I do,” Henry assured her. “And Mamm and Daett also understand. This is only a storm that will soon pass.”

  Susanna kept silent.

  Henry finally cleared his throat. “Maybe we should both think about joining the baptismal class in two weeks. I’d be willing to attend if you will.”

  Susanna sat up straight. “You would? For my sake?”

  “Of course.” Henry’s grin was lopsided. “I was ready anyway. I’ve seen plenty of what’s out there.”

  “You
’re such a dear, Henry, and so kind.” Susanna sighed. “Why can’t I be like you?”

  “You’re close enough,” Henry said. “You’re just a little different, but that’s okay. Ernest will get a decent frau when he weds you this fall, and you’ll be happy with the man for all the days the Lord gives you together. You’ll raise those little girls up to melt some man’s heart someday.”

  Susanna gave him a sharp glance. “Did Daett tell you to say all this? You’re not usually this talkative.”

  Henry elbowed her playfully. “That’s because you’ve never driven with me before on a Saturday night. Look what you’ve been missing out on.”

  “How do you know I’m the one who’s been missing out on Saturday nights?” Susanna teased.

  Henry gave her a wry look. “I don’t think I like the direction of this conversation. Promise me that you’ll join the baptismal class with me.”

  “I’ll think about it,” she said. “And don’t worry. I’ll behave tonight…wherever we’re going. And where are we going?”

  “Just the usual,” he chuckled. “But I guess you’ve forgotten what the usual is?”

  “Like boring,” Susanna said. “Let’s see, you’ll drive around town for a while and then stop and eat hamburgers with other Amish young people.”

  Henry grunted. “And what’s wrong with that? Don’t you like hamburgers?”

  Susanna rolled her eyes. Henry had obviously experienced little of what she had in the Englisha world, but that was because he was one of the decent Amish young people.

  “You’ll enjoy yourself tonight,” Henry encouraged her. “Think of the evening as the last look before the door closes on the glitter of the Englisha world.”

  Susanna winced, but said nothing as Henry tightened Ranger’s reins once they approached the edge of Heuvelton. Several other buggies appeared from the side roads and fell in line behind them. Susanna waved over her shoulder, and the girls inside returned the greeting with smiles on their faces.

  How happy they all were. Why couldn’t she be happy with them? Deep down she knew the answer. She wanted to see Joey, not the other Amish young folks…but tonight she couldn’t do anything about that. She would have to make the best of things. Susanna waved toward several more of the buggies and forced herself to smile. Surely Joey would understand. He was familiar enough with Amish ways to figure it out.