Susanna's Christmas Wish Read online

  What would Bishop Jacob think if he knew about her little argument with Herman this morning? He probably wouldn’t be smiling. But maybe he would understand that all young married couples have issues to work through. Most of those problems surely didn’t involve things like celebrating Christmas or having an ex-boyfriend who was in the bann though.

  Bishop Jacob wouldn’t be holding Matthew against her, would he? He hadn’t mentioned it when she and Herman had gone to ask if he would marry them. But if Bishop Jacob knew she was thinking again of Matthew, he might have something to say about it. His face would no doubt fall in disappointment. His high hopes in the young couple he had married only a few weeks ago would be troubled.

  She knew Bishop Jacob had high hopes because he’d said so when she and Herman had arrived that Saturday evening to announce their wedding plans.

  “Gut evening,” Bishop Jacob had greeted them with a twinkle in his eye. This was obviously a routine he had seen many times before. “May I do anything for you?” he had asked, as if he didn’t have a clue.

  Herman hadn’t missed a beat. Almost as if he had done this a hundred times before, he’d said, “May we have a few words with you inside?”

  “Of course,” Bishop Jacob had said, opening the door wide.

  Once they were all settled, Herman had wasted no time. “Susanna and I have agreed to wed. And we would like to be published in two weeks—if you have no objections.”

  “Me? Have objections?” Bishop Jacob had laughed. “I’m expecting I’ll have no objections. After I’ve asked the few usual questions, of course. I’ve been observing your courtship, and I think both of you are making a very wise choice.”

  Susanna had looked away from the bishop’s gaze that night. She still remembered how she’d felt though—all warm inside at his kind words. How gut it was to know she had been doing the right thing by dating Herman and agreeing to wed him. And she still felt that way. It was just that Herman and she were having a little trouble right now. But that would all be over soon, if Da Hah willed it. And surely He did.

  Ahead of her, Mary’s house appeared, and Susanna pulled back on the reins. Bruce turned down the driveway like he knew exactly where she was going, coming to a stop at the hitching post beside the barn.

  Susanna jumped down and unhitched. With a glance around, she stopped short, her hands on Bruce’s halter. Why was there an Englisha car parked behind the barn? Beside her, Bruce lunged forward, almost stepping on her as he came out of the shafts.

  “Whoa, boy!” she muttered. “I wasn’t quite ready for that.”

  Recovering, she led Bruce toward the barn. Mary would have an explanation once she arrived at the house. An Englisha car behind the barn would be hard to explain though. Any Englisha people who stopped in, whether they were buying produce from Mary’s garden or had business with her husband, Ernest, would park in plain sight.

  “Howdy there,” Mary’s voice hollered from the front porch, jerking Susanna out of her thoughts.

  “Hi,” Susanna called back. “I’m taking Bruce into the barn.”

  “Do you need help?” Mary asked. “Ernest isn’t here right now.”

  “Of course not!” Susanna hollered back with a laugh.

  Now why would Mary ask such a thing? Mary knew she was perfectly capable of unharnessing a horse by herself. She must be in a teasing mood. But Mary wasn’t exactly a teaser. Well then, she must be in a gut mood with Thanksgiving coming up later this week. Getting ready for family gatherings always puts my family members in a gut mood, Susanna thought. She slid open the barn door. At least Herman hadn’t objected to Thanksgiving meals with her family. “If they aren’t too extravagant,” he’d said last year. And as long as no one ate too much. He had come to Thanksgiving last year and was apparently satisfied. Why else would he have agreed to their coming to Mary’s house this year, as well as her helping Mary prepare beforehand?

  If her family thought her new husband strange, they had yet to mention anything. Of course, they hadn’t gone through an actual Christmas as a married couple yet. Perhaps that would make a difference.

  It’ll be okay, Susanna told herself, turning Bruce loose in an empty stall. She threw him a slab of hay before leaving. He was munching away when Susanna glanced over her shoulder to check on him before closing the barn door.

  Mary was waiting on the front porch when Susanna stepped outside. She looked very troubled now. Had Mary also had an argument with her husband this morning? Was that it? But that couldn’t be. Mary and Ernest had been together for years now, and they had doubtlessly worked through all their marriage problems.

  “Gut morning,” Susanna greeted Mary. “Is everything okay?”

  “Oh, yah…” Mary’s smile looked stiff. “I’m so glad you could come.”

  “Did you boil over something in the kitchen?” Susanna guessed. Mary wasn’t beyond forgetting a kettle cooking on the stove.

  “Oh no,” Mary said, her eyes shifting toward the barn. “It’s been going well all morning.”

  Susanna turned to look again, remembering the Englisha car. “Is that someone who has business with Ernest?”

  Mary shook her head. “Maybe we’d better stay out here on the porch for a moment. I need to tell you something.”

  “What has happened?” Susanna took Mary’s arm, leading her over to the rocking chairs. She sat down once Mary was seated.

  Mary was breathing deeply. “I would have let you know before you came, but there was no way to get hold of you in time.”

  “Mary, what has happened?”

  “Maybe you should just go home right now.” Mary leaped to her feet. “In fact, that’s what I think you should do. It would be best for everyone concerned.”

  Susanna pulled her sister down. “You’re going to tell me right now, or I’m going to search the whole house until I find out what’s wrong.”

  Mary’s face turned white. “You shouldn’t do that. I’ll tell you.”

  Now Susanna was getting weak-kneed herself. Mary never acted like this, even when little Mose had broken his arm last summer at Mamm and Daett’s place. And by the way, why were the two children not out here? Usually Mose and Laura were climbing all over her by now, happy to see her and chattering a mile a minute. All seemed too quiet.

  “Mary,” Susanna whispered, “tell me what’s wrong.”

  “He came late last night,” Mary whispered back. “He’s inside sleeping.”

  “Who came?”

  Now her knees really were going weak. Mary could only mean one person for her to have a reaction like this. But it couldn’t be! Matthew wouldn’t simply appear like this. Unannounced just before Thanksgiving. Not after leaving like he had.

  “Yah,” Mary said, as if reading her thoughts. “You’re thinking right. He’s stopped by for the Thanksgiving holiday. Now don’t you think you’d better leave before he sees you?”

  Susanna was staring at Mary. “Does he know about me? About Herman?”

  Mary shook her head. “He asked about you first thing, but Ernest and I avoided his questions. I thought the children might answer him, but thankfully they weren’t in the room at the time.”

  “He has to be told,” Susanna managed to get out.

  “I will—tonight. Now go home before he hears your voice.”

  “And leave you alone with all the Thanksgiving work?”

  “There are things more important than work.” Mary was on her feet, motioning down the porch steps. “Quickly, Susanna!”

  Three

  Susanna tried to make out what Mary was saying, but the sound wasn’t registering. A thousand thoughts raced through her mind. Memories of Matthew’s face as she had seen it last. Pain etched across his handsome features as he told her that he had to leave. Matthew—the man she had once loved. Matthew back at his brother’s place.

  How could this be? What reason would Matthew have for coming—even if it was Thanksgiving? Matthew was still in the bann. Why had Mary even let him in her house? �
��Why he is here?” Susanna asked.

  Mary stopped tugging on her arm. “I don’t know. He didn’t say for sure—other than he’s visiting over Thanksgiving. And we can’t just throw Ernest’s brother out of the house.”

  Susanna’s thoughts stabbed through her. If she had married Matthew, Ernest’s brother, their children would have been double cousins. She and Mary and Matthew and Ernest would forever be part of the same family. Susanna pushed the thought away. “But Matthew’s in the bann!”

  “I know that.” Mary was pulling on her arm again. “Ernest and I aren’t doing anything wrong. Matthew’s not helping us, and he eats on the couch. You know we’re not like some communities, Susanna, where they don’t even talk to their fallen family members.”

  Susanna swallowed hard. “I want to speak with him.”

  “Susanna, please,” Mary begged. “Not now. You’re not in any condition to speak with Matthew.”

  Obviously her sister knew her quite well. Was her pain really that plain? Her struggles with her marriage? Had Mary seen this while she and Herman had been dating? Well, if she had, Mary could have said something. Nee, she was not leaving now. Da Hah was going to give her grace, and she was going to get over her past. “I’m not running away, Mary. He’ll just come after me.”

  Mary looked pale, but she didn’t shake her head. So she also knew, as Susanna did, that if Matthew had the nerve to show up here, he would eventually have the nerve to stop in at her place. Better to deal with him here…and now.

  “Maybe you should,” Mary agreed, relenting. “But somehow we have to get him out of the house soon after that.”

  “He’s your husband’s brother,” Susanna said. “I guess there’s not much you can do about that.”

  Mary was silent, her hand still on her sister’s arm.

  “Where are Mose and Laura?”

  “Ernest took them with him. He was sharpening the blades on his plow this morning and had to run into town for supplies.”

  “Come then. Now is the time. Matthew will leave when he finds out I’m married. Then we can finish our day’s work. We’ve already wasted way too much time.”

  Susanna led the way. This was Mary’s house, but it seemed right that she was being the strong one right now. Later she could collapse and have a gut cry. Perhaps upstairs where Herman wouldn’t walk in and hear her. Once this meeting was over, Herman need never know about it.

  Inside the two women hesitated.

  “What should we do?” Mary whispered. “We could start working in the kitchen, I suppose, until he shows up.”

  As if in answer to Mary’s question, footsteps came down the stairs. Familiar footsteps, Susanna thought. How many times had she heard that light step in Mamm and Daett’s house over the years when Matthew brought her home on Sunday nights?

  Susanna gathered herself. Matthew had no right to be here, and she would need to be brave about this. For Mary’s sake, if nothing else. And for Herman—if he ever learned about this, which hopefully he wouldn’t.

  A man’s face, unshaven, appeared in the stair doorway. He leaned out, keeping his hands on the frame. A smile spread across his face. “I thought I heard something. So you couldn’t wait to see me, could you?”

  The insolence of the man! Susanna thought. How dare he? But her heart was pounding, and words refused to come out of her mouth.

  Matthew looked much the same. Maybe a little older but still just as handsome—especially with that stubble on his face.

  “Don’t I at least get a gut morning?” he asked, stepping down the rest of the stairs and seating himself on the couch.

  He wore a T-shirt and denim pants—with a belt. All very Englisha looking, but then that’s what he was now.

  “Susanna came over to help me,” Mary spoke up at last. “We have to get started on Thanksgiving.”

  “You mean I don’t get any breakfast? I mean, I’ll eat on the couch, but I do have to eat.”

  “Ernest isn’t here right now,” Mary said. “But he’ll be back before long. We’ll serve lunch then.”

  Gut for you, Mary, Susanna thought. Standing up to Matthew like that. If the man can’t get up at a decent hour like he’d been raised, let him go hungry. She’d better say something soon or Matthew would catch on to how her heart was racing. “We have to get busy,” Susanna said, echoing Mary’s comment.

  “So…has anybody taken my place by now?” Matthew asked, his voice teasing. “Anyone bringing you home on Sunday nights?”

  “Of course people have!” Mary snapped. “You knew Susanna wasn’t going to wait around like a fallen apple rotting on the ground.”

  “I can’t say that I blame her,” Matthew agreed. “So who’s the lucky fellow?”

  “Is that why you’ve come back?” Susanna faced him. “To find out what I’m doing?”

  “Whoa, as feisty as ever.” Matthew smiled. “Some things never do change—like most everything in the community. Kind of locked down for eternity.”

  “So you’ve come to insult us too?” Susanna glared at him.

  “No,” Matthew said, his smile fading. “In fact, I should start out by saying I’m sorry about everything that happened between us. I’ve done a lot of things wrong in my life, Susanna.”

  Like leaving me? she wanted to scream.

  Mary seemed to read her thoughts because her hand came up and squeezed Susanna’s arm.

  “I thought perhaps we could speak, Susanna. You and me. That I’d come over to your mamm and daett’s place this morning. See if we could take a walk down to the pond like we used to. Talk in private for a few minutes, and then I’d stay around for the Thanksgiving meal later in the week. I know I’d have to eat separately, but that doesn’t bother me any longer. I’ve changed a lot, Susanna…since I’ve seen you last. Worked through some of my bitterness, and I have a lot of things I want to tell you. But now that you’re here, I don’t have to visit your parents’ place. We can talk here.”

  He can still talk, that is for sure, Susanna thought. Matthew always could run rings around Herman in that department. But her situation had changed now, and the sooner she told him, the better. She tried to look him in the eyes, but her gaze shifted to the floor. Her voice came out way too weak, but at least the words did come. “I’m a married woman now, Matthew. There’s nothing we need to talk about. And Mary and I have work to do.”

  “Oh!”

  Susanna felt his gaze burning into her face.

  “I didn’t know,” Matthew finished.

  “Well now you do,” Mary said. “And I mean no disrespect, but I think you should go.”

  Matthew smiled. “Do I get lunch before I’m thrown out again?”

  Mary’s fingers tightened on Susanna’s arm, but she said nothing. Apparently she was leaving it up to her to say something.

  “No one threw you out, Matthew. You left on your own.” Susanna tried to keep her voice from shaking, but a tremor escaped.

  Matthew must have heard and his eyes lit up. “I’m sorry. Of course, that’s right. It was all my fault. That is what I’m trying to work through. Taking responsibility for my actions. And perhaps making some things right that I’ve done wrong.”

  “So you’re thinking of coming back to the community?” Susanna asked. What a mess that would be—Matthew living right among them.

  He tilted his head. “I’m trying to find healing. That’s important, you know. Not burying things in the past. I thought spending time with my family over Thanksgiving…and speaking with you would help me along that road.”

  “We really have to get busy,” Susanna said. “And I’m sure Mary will fix you lunch when it’s time. Then perhaps you can be on your way again.”

  “There’s Ernest coming now!” Mary let go of Susanna’s arm and raced for the door. She didn’t stop, flinging the door open and running out into the yard to meet the buggy.

  “You really should go,” Susanna repeated as they watched Mary’s retreating figure. “It’s not going to work, Matthew. I
t’s over between us.”

  “So you really are a married woman?”

  “Yah.”

  “That’s hard to imagine.”

  “It’s not imagination, Matthew. It is what is.”

  “For how long?”

  “A few weeks.”

  “Oh, so that’s why you still look so…so unmarried.”

  “I’m married, Matthew. And I love Herman. You might as well accept that.”

  “Herman? Herman Wagler? I’m surprised at you, Susanna. I always thought you liked boys a little more dashing. What happened to that?”

  “I’m not talking about this with you.” Susanna turned and retreated to the kitchen. A kettle of water was boiling furiously on the stove as steam poured into the air. With a leap she jerked it off and set it in the sink. Now why did she have to run out on him like that? Matthew will only take it as a sign of weakness. He still knew her well enough to know that. And it didn’t make things easier. He was seeing way too much already—and probably imagining the rest. It was hard telling what Matthew was thinking or what he planned to do.

  She was not giving in to any of his schemes, whatever they were. She had withstood the temptation to follow him into the Englisha world, and she would also make it through this. The hardest thing would be telling Herman about Matthew’s visit. It was clear he now had to be told. There was no keeping this a secret. Not if Matthew stayed for lunch, and she helped prepare the food. Not even if she left right now. Word would get around, and Herman would be hurt worse by hearing about Matthew from someone else. How could the man do this to her? Matthew was thinking only of himself, as usual. In Matthew’s world the sun had always risen and set on himself. He had no idea how much harm he was doing to all of them. And all for nothing.

  Susanna paused to listen for sounds of footsteps behind her. Surely Matthew wouldn’t follow her into the kitchen. Not when she was in here alone. Not after what she had just told him. Even he had to have that much decency. She was a married woman now.